Never Understanding The World

Alice,

Everything is Different. Everything is Never the Same. Everything is Eminent. Everything is Tolerable. Everything is EVERYTHING.

Do you ever get the feeling that no single person in this wretched world would ever understand you? Do you get the feeling that your friends would be your enemies and it's just yourself against the world? Do you have the feeling that  you could burst into bloody tears just to show that you're giving up on life? And do you get the feeling that you want to end your life right away just to cease your prolonged suffering?

I'm still a CHILD.

It maybe hard for me but it's the truth. I don't think I can be a mature person because I really don't understand the world I'm living in. Yes, it's reality but in a deeper sense, I feel that I'm still imagining myself that I could live in a world wherein people could understand me for who I am and what I'm going through right now. Sadly, it's a fantasy that's really impossible to be a reality. And I feel that I behave like a child because aside that I could not understand the world, I can't accept reality as it is. I always wanted to live my life like a fairytale. However, with reality, I've never opened my eyes to what is real and what is not. People always see what kind of person I am, but only I and I alone know what is going on with my life and with my lifetime story. I don't wanna end up losing my soul because of that. I just want to be treated fair, but it's never gonna happen.

Right now, I live in a world where there is full of hatred and misery. Furthermore, I live in a world of lies and favoritism. If I could just set fire to the world, I could do that. If I could just wipe out the existence of humanity, I could also do that. But, I'm only good at saying something just to "seemingly" defend myself. I could never do what I say because I keep thinking that they are people, but everytime I talk to them, I always get humiliated and oppressed. I made a wrong turn in my life. I knew I wanted to be alone. But, I don't want to be the kind of person who thinks that the world is his enemy. I really don't know what to do. For the tenth time in my life, I really don't know what to do.

I have a read a poem that speaks about the world and all things around it. As I noticed, I could see myself in this poem. Here it is:

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.  

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. 

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. 

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. 

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. 

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. 

But do not distress yourself with imaginings. 

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. 

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. 

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. 

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. 

Be cheerful. 

Strive to be happy.

As I read this poem, I realized how the world is full of the unseen and forbidden. I have seen how I've suffered so much that I just could not take it anymore. All those times that people are discriminating and harassing me, it just keeps getting back. Even all the haunted memories of the past that I want to forget, it really gets back to me and I'm totally sick of it. I mean, do they honestly expect me to believe me that I'm just a nobody? I really hate that! That's the reason why I hate the world and everything in it. Even to the wretched people that I totally disgust! Right now, I don't want to talk about what happened the other day. Everything was happening so fast and sudden that I could not express myself right now. Everything is really unexplained in this world.

Everything is really gone. I can't imagine if I see myself being hurt so many times and just repeating the same mistakes over and over again. If I keep on doing what I did before ad never let go of it, I can never be a real person. It's hard for me to admit that I'm still immature even if I'm so close to adulthood. I feel that I'm not ready to be an adult. I feel that I could never grow up because of that. I have nothing left to lose. My dignity is all that I have right now. Everything was taken away from me and I may never ever get them back to me. I'm completely lost.


Please, Alice. Tell me what to do. I really don't know what to do at this point and you're the only thing that I have right now.

Nathaniel

New Year, New Attitude (No More Mister Nice Guy)

Alice,

It's been a while. I missed you so much that everyday hurts just remembering your lovely face. But I'm here, in the city of dreams once again. To revisit my journey while I'm in college.

It's 2013. Yes. Another wonderful year has passed and a new one waiting to be kept in our enchanting hearts as we embrace it wholeheartedly. I'm so happy that another year has come to each and everyone on this planet and we get to live another day with hope that our lives will be better for the future.

YEAH RIGHT.

I can't believe that time flies so fast. Each day that the sun would rise, I would stay positive for the duration of the day. However, at the end of the day, another burden strikes to my "almost" perfectly good day because someone or something ruins it for me. I would ask myself, "What did I do to make her/him feel that way? Was it something that I said/did? Why do people stay away from me? I did nothing to them..." These questions still haunt me until today. And everytime I'm close to finding out these answers, people who hate me will do anything just to prevent me to see the truth. I can't imagine that your friends would be your lethal enemies once you broke their trust. It's really hard to fix that "broken" trust of theirs.

What bothers me the most is their "diva" attitude. When they insult a person, they would feel that they're on top of the world like nothing can touch them anymore. Reality Check, they are still persons. Persons who don't give themselves self-actualization and self-esteem just because they have insecurities. I don't know if this is true anymore but I still believe that they are still insecure because they don't want their identities and reputations to be destroyed by a single snap. So many people hate me because I speak like I'm a child, never understanding what's happening to the world and always thinking about himself that he is always right. Everyone is right at most cases. I just don't get why people hate me so much. Is it because I'm too smart for them too handle? Or is it because I can outsmart them?

2013. New Year, New Attitude. That's right, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and bask in the limelight. I have to show them that I am a person with promise and with great power. I have to let them feel what I have felt when they left me with nothing. This time, I will not feel their sympathy because feeling them could be my weakness and my breaking point. And this time, they will witness the new ME; A strong young adult who cares nothing about the people around him and trashtalks them like there's no tomorrow. No more Mister Nice Guy. It's time for me to show them all how they picked up on the wrong guy.

As they say, "Forgiveness is a Virtue, but Revenge is Sweeter".

How about you Alice? Do you thirst for Revenge?

Nathaniel

An Epic Misunderstanding (Marilyn Monroe)

Alice,

Do you get that feeling when hope is lost, then you turn to somebody who just get back at you?

This happened to me so many times, and I wish I didn't want to look back at that incident.

COLLEGE. Where all dreams starts here. It's hard to just move on from high school to college, thinking that everything is easy. When I started my new life, I thought that I'm just going to mess up big-time because of my psychological figure. It seemed that it was high school again. I can't talk to someone, I can't even look at them and the worst part, and they didn't care for me of what I was going through. My heart was shattered and I felt like I could never fix my mending heart again. Maybe that's just how it goes here in the city. I burst into tears deep on the inside. Even if I have my friends, I feel that they want to avoid me or just to use me for their own sake. I was such a weakling. I didn't know what to do, where to begin, and who to trust. This was only my beginning for my quest of finding who I really am.

The first time I stepped into the grounds of the university, I was full of happiness and full of hope. Hope in the sense that going into college would be a great time to redeem myself and to prepare me for the many obstacles that I will encounter during my stay. It was also the day that things turn out for the worst. Why? I met people that are intimidating. Intimidating in the sense that they would like to find out your life and everything that you have done up to the present. Seeing that their being curious about me makes me feel that they want to know me more just to destroy me. I wanted to keep my life a secret so that I can fit in better. Turns out, even I can't keep my identity a secret. After that realization, I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to end my life because all my efforts went to waste. I was USELESS.

Problems just came into me, and until now I can't solve these problems because I am too negative for all the things that happened to me. I'm still on the process of realizing my worth, but every time that someone drags me down, I easily give up and get emotional. They may say that I'm gay because I'm a weakling and I can't stand up for myself. I'm just a sensitive guy who's finding a way to know what his life really is. I try to stay positive at times, but the negative signs of life just appear to me and I just go with it. I've spent so many years of being a negative and a bitter person. However, with my inspiration from my true friends, I completely changed my life. Thanks to them, I was able to regain my strength to be become stronger and stand up for myself. I don't know how that happened, but even if I'm still negative, I try to keep my worries for myself because if I keep being a bitter person, my life can't go anywhere and I can't do anything with my life.

Maybe I didn't think this through. I thought that my life didn't have a meaning at all. I've tried all my life to search my true calling. I guess that I didn't waste my time at all. Every moment in my life is so precious that I don't have time to sit around and do nothing just because a problem comes to you. No matter what happens, whether life’s hard or not, always stay positive, because whatever we do, it's for our own good. It is only us who can create our lifetime story and share it with others. Even if others drag you down, you will always think that they are jealous of what you have accomplished. But don't be too proud of yourself, because if you get too proud, people would think that you're crazy. I'm so lucky enough that I've come this far. Thanks to the people behind the scenes, I now happy of who I am even if people are judgmental about you.

What happened in your college life, Alice?

P.S. Is this how Marilyn Monroe felt?

Nathaniel

The Ultimate Setback

Alice,

This was the time that everything turned out for the worst.

It started when I entered the campus.

The university was so beautiful. I can only imagine what life I'm going to live if I officially entered the campus for the start of the formal classes. I was overjoyed by the people, I mean students, passing by, making their ways for their classes, and some, nothing to do but wait until something happens to them. It was really a blast seeing the university with my own naked eyes and looking forward to meeting these students personally and making new friends. I was thrilled to see the university's own cheering squad practice and showing their moves to the new people and especially to me. Indeed, entering the university for the first time made me realize that I'm here for two purposes, to study so hard that I've never study before and to graduate proudly with an honorable degree that I really deserve. However, this was only the beginning for the new chapter of my life. I realized also that it's not easy being here in the city and living like this. I may have to re-think the whole thing of why I'm really here.

Some of you and our ex-classmates are going to college and live in dormitories and boarding houses. Others may also live with their relatives and maybe bringing their families together to college. That's where I belong. I'm staying here in the city with my relatives. One from the side of my mother and other for my father. The only problem is that they're letting me choose on where to live. I like to live on both of the houses that my relatives are living at. My sister told me that it's better to stay at the house of the sister of my father because for her, it’s really quiet there where you can study and no one can distract you. However, if I live there, it’s like I'm in a prison where there's no fun and all you have to do is to study and study until you can't take anymore the quietness of the place that you want to get out and hang out with your friends. Not to mention the distance from this house to university, which makes it harder for me to comprehend everyday.

On my side, I would rather choose to live at the house of the sister of my mother because there, it’s like the complete opposite of what I've described earlier. There, it so much fun because everyday, there's no day that will be dull because of my younger relative to lighten up everyone's day. Also, the university is just a jeepney ride away, which makes it more convenient that the school is really near. Sadly, I can't concentrate on my studies because of the noise and all the distractions which make it more difficult to study and to do my homework and everything that's school-based work. I can still hang out with my friends but they set a time limit on how long I'm going to be out unlike the other house, you inform them and they just approve automatically without setting any condition. As long you get home, its fine with them.

I really had a hard time deciding on where to live. Whether I'm living with my aunt on my mother's side or on my father's side, I'm still going to live like this, transferring from one place to another just for the sake of living to different lives. One that's quiet and serene and another that's lively and uncontrollable. But whatever my decision is going to be, my family still has to respect my decision. What's important is that I've experienced myself living two separate lives and making my choice on where to stay for the rest of my life. I'm a growing adult, and someday, they're going to let me go, no matter how hard it is for them to let me go and live my own life without them. Whatever decisions that I make, I know that it's for my own good and also for the good of my own family.

How is your college life going, Alice?

Nathaniel

Runaway

Alice,

I was 99% sure that I wanted to do this before.

It's been a month since I left my hometown and I'm not doing great here as usual. I thought that I'm gonna have a blast while I still have the whole summer in my hands to enjoy it. But as the days turn to weeks, I feel that I've never been away from home for so long. I miss all the things that we used to do together even before we graduated. Now I know how it really feels when you're in college. You thought that you'd be finally free from your parents but every single day you've spent in college, you suddenly have a feeling that you miss everything from the past. You feel homesick. Like you want to go home so badly but you can't because of college matters. Without you, Alice, I'm really NOTHING.

Last summer, when we were about to enter the last year of our high school lives, I was so excited. Now that we were seniors, we were so anxious for college. We thought that we can't wait to get out of our school and to graduate in style. We were really thrilled for college before. Now, it's the complete opposite of what we have thought before. College is full of misery and suffering. They said that college is better than high school, but actually, it's not. We were really sure that when we got to college, it's gonna fun, crazy, and to live young, wild, and free. But we were 101% wrong at all those things. Little did we know what dangers lie ahead in college. I'm trying to stay positive for college but actually, I'm not. I wanted to go back in time and to do our high school years all over again. I was wrong.

The only reason that I wanted to go to college is to run as far away as possible from my parents and to prove to them how much I'm willing to risk my life for college. Really, I was sick of them dictating me what to do just for my own good and for my safety. They really didn't realize that they had to let me go to college even if it really hurts for them to see me go away from and let them live my own way of life. I wanted to leave my parents so badly because I can't take it anymore that they're always watching me behind my back and that they're holding me back to do whatever I want in my life. Yeah, I wanted to go away from my parents so bad. However, the joy of leaving my parents behind was the sadness that I felt of missing them so much. I miss them so much and I can't celebrate Mother's Day without my mother around.

Maybe I didn't think this through, huh? Well, I figured that too. Maybe I was so negative to my parents on the way they treat me and how they raised me properly. I may have the "bad attitude" that my parents knew about me all along. But whatever plans they have for me in the years to come, I will always love them for they are my parents and they are the best parents in the world. For that, I should try to be a more sensitive person and be an appreciative son for the things that my parents sacrificed a lot just for me. No matter what happens, I will always be grateful to my parents for without them, I can't be who I am today. Thanks, for everything...

Has this ever happened to you, Alice?

Nathaniel

A Misunderstood Life

Alice,

I can't be imagining the WHOLE THING.

I was 100% sure that I was dreaming.

A Lifetime Curse. It kills me to hear myself right now. One thing's for sure, I was so positive of what I heard about my fault. It's not that I've been dishonest, it's just that loathe reality. After what I've spoken about myself about my future, it seems like I can't do it. I feel like I can't survive college easily. Sometimes, I gotta learn to survive college the old fashion way. Keep striving hard, let nothing come between you and success, and most importantly, to realize how your parents sacrificed a lot just to keep you in college. Sadly, it seems like I lost it. I easily give up and I don't know what to do after. I must be the stupidest person in this world right now and I'm not satisfied of what I've done.

Life. A simple yet complicated word. My life right now is still unstable. I'm trying to be independent as I live my life in college. But it seems that I still can't because I'm still living under the roof of my parents and they're watching my every move. I can't be free, I can't do anything what I want, and the worst of all, I'm not worth it. They tell me that I'm useless, like nothing or no one can help me. I feel hopeless, like I can't stand on myself alone. The problem is that they don't see me trying to live my life and to be independent to the people around me. Maybe that's just the way life it should be. No moment is a happy moment if you're living like this.

My life is really a topsy-turvy one. Like everything is upside down. All this time, I've been blind to the reality of life. My parents keep on avoiding me to let go on my own. They feel that I keep making a vital mistake which could cost my life. But what they don't see is that I'm living my life as it is right now. Maybe the reason why they are so overprotective is that they don't want to lose me as I go to the next chapter of my life or the fact that they're not ready to say goodbye to me as I move on to college. But that's life, sometimes, you gotta let things go, especially the things that you don't want to lose easily.

Am I satisfied with this? No, I'm not. My goals in life are to graduate with flying colors in college, find a decent and stable job, and to support my family from extreme poverty. I don't want to be the selfish one but when I have a job, the first thing I wanna do when I earn money is to buy things that I've always wanted in my life and it's a fact. I don't care if they would curse me for being selfish but I'm sorry, I gotta stick to my goals and make them happen for my own good. Sure, I would send my financial assistance to my family and that has been my lifetime goal. To make my parents feel that they're proud of me for what I have accomplished and to be more proud of me when I'll get a job that's worth sacrificing for. That's what my goals are and I to work and strive even harder to make these goals a reality.

You may say that I'm rude to all of this. Actually, I'm just a normal person trying to achieve his goals in life. I'm just trying would any person would do in life. To do it all over again in the same way. I'm always staying positive in whatever I do, for whatever choice I make, and for all my decisions in life. But it's inevitable that you can't always be happy for everything. Sometimes, frustrations in your life can get into you and make them a lesson to be a better person in the future. But whatever our reasons are, we know that these reasons are for our own good and for others' sake. I'm still happy for what we have accomplished together and let's hope that we could survive and graduate college in style.

Would you do the same thing, Alice?

Nathaniel

Rude Awakening

Alice,

Each passing day, each passing time. I feel like I'm slowly killing myself until there's nothing left for me to have. For the first time in my life, I really don't know what to do, who to trust, and what I will do for the rest of my survival in college. I want to live young, wild, and free while I still have a chance. Sadly, my family is the only thing that separates me from my true freedom. It hurts for me to see how people live their lives and risk anything just to get what they want, while I'm stuck here not able to see the beauty of my life that I'm missing out all the excitement waiting for me to see and to enjoy. There's two words to describe my feeling right now. I SURRENDER.

The Awakening. I was blind to see how beautiful my life is. I didn't how much I could do with my life while I'm still young, and all this was my family's fault. I can't imagine how they would do this to me, Alice. Everyday, I would start my day risking my life just to find what really enjoys me, and everyday, they would do anything just to stop even for the risks that I take. It really hurts to realize that someone you loved or a long time would be the greatest enemy that you would face in your life. I feel like I want to get out of this "horrid prison" and start all over again. I wanted to be free and to be alone for once.

Everything that I owned in my hands were the things that stood me over the years as I grow up. If one of these things were gone, I feel like I have nothing left to lose in my life anymore. I can't even bear my suffering if I, myself, didn't suffer greatly. I wanted to give up. I wanted to surrender. I wanted to kill myself. But I can't. Life goes on, you suffered a lot, and people can't even see the value of what you're doing. The only thing that I could hope is for things to be the way that they used to be.

Things are different. Seeing myself in the eyes of everyone else makes it really hard for me to confront my problems. I just want to live a simple life. Settle down a little, rest and relax, unwind from all the frustrations you had, and make it a point to make these frustrations a lifetime lesson that you will never forget. Sometimes, I wish that I didn't exist in this world. If that happened, imagine what life would my parents live, imagine what life would I live if I was born in another family. But, whatever I choose in my life, I know that it is for my own good.

Nothing else can compare to my great suffering. I've wasted so much time whining to myself that I didn't see how my family loves me a lot. I was blind to see their love for me because I see their advises for me as a threat to my personality. I love them no matter what happens in my life. Whatever they would do to me, it's because they trying to protect me from the evil doings of this world. If they would risk their lives just to protect me, I would do the same thing for them, no matter how difficult it is to save them. I would never forgive myself if anything happens to them. I was a pushover before, but now, I have this feeling of giving something back to them that I should have given to them long before I was an idiot. I need to repay my wrongdoings and try to be a better person that they have hoped for all along.

If you were me, Alice, what would you do?

Nathaniel