Inside The Emptiness of a Jerk

Alice,

I'm alright. Until I'm alone. But in a way, I'm GLAD.

It's been months since hindi kita nakausap. With school and everything, parang sobrang busy na ako na nakaligtaan ko na kausapin kita. I've been busy. Busy parang maging isang matapang na tao. Pero deep inside, isa pa rin akong soreloser. Parang tingin ng iba sa akin, nagmamagaling ako. Nagmamagaling in the sense na kahit sabihin nilang matalino. At since first time kitang makausap ng Tagalog, sana ngayon maiitindihan mo na rin ako at lahat ng pinagdaanan ko since simula ng second year ng madugong buhay ko sa kolehiyo.

JERK. Ito ang tawag sa mga taong katulad ko. Sinasabi nila na hindi ako marunong tumanaw ng utang na loob sa ibang tao at parang "shallow" ako kung tumingin sa kanila. Ewan ko kung bakit. I try so hard para man lang magkaroon sila ng kahit katiting na respeto at "sympathy" sa akin. Pero wala talaga eh. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ayaw na ayaw nila sa akin. Tell me, Alice, naging sobrang MAYABANG na ba ako na hindi ko na alam kung anong ginagawang pagmamagaling sa ibang tao? Or is it because masyado na silang preoccupied sa sarili nilang buhay na hindi man lang nila ako nakikita? Am I INVISIBLE to THEM? Or SILA ang INVISIBLE sa paningin ko?

Ito ang nagmamarka sa isipan ko ngayon. Parang wala na akong masasabi pa. Kasi paulit - ulit na ako sa feeling na ito at hindi pa rin ako nagtatanda. Kung maibalik ko man sana ang panahon at itama ang mga pagkakamali ko, gagawin ko yun. Kung meron akong itama na mali ko noon, ito ay ang paging tanga ko at ang pagiging mahina ko. Kung pwede lang sana gawin yun.

Hanggang dito na lang, Alice. Ewan ko lang kung may masasabi pa ako.

Nathaniel

Never Understanding The World

Alice,

Everything is Different. Everything is Never the Same. Everything is Eminent. Everything is Tolerable. Everything is EVERYTHING.

Do you ever get the feeling that no single person in this wretched world would ever understand you? Do you get the feeling that your friends would be your enemies and it's just yourself against the world? Do you have the feeling that  you could burst into bloody tears just to show that you're giving up on life? And do you get the feeling that you want to end your life right away just to cease your prolonged suffering?

I'm still a CHILD.

It maybe hard for me but it's the truth. I don't think I can be a mature person because I really don't understand the world I'm living in. Yes, it's reality but in a deeper sense, I feel that I'm still imagining myself that I could live in a world wherein people could understand me for who I am and what I'm going through right now. Sadly, it's a fantasy that's really impossible to be a reality. And I feel that I behave like a child because aside that I could not understand the world, I can't accept reality as it is. I always wanted to live my life like a fairytale. However, with reality, I've never opened my eyes to what is real and what is not. People always see what kind of person I am, but only I and I alone know what is going on with my life and with my lifetime story. I don't wanna end up losing my soul because of that. I just want to be treated fair, but it's never gonna happen.

Right now, I live in a world where there is full of hatred and misery. Furthermore, I live in a world of lies and favoritism. If I could just set fire to the world, I could do that. If I could just wipe out the existence of humanity, I could also do that. But, I'm only good at saying something just to "seemingly" defend myself. I could never do what I say because I keep thinking that they are people, but everytime I talk to them, I always get humiliated and oppressed. I made a wrong turn in my life. I knew I wanted to be alone. But, I don't want to be the kind of person who thinks that the world is his enemy. I really don't know what to do. For the tenth time in my life, I really don't know what to do.

I have a read a poem that speaks about the world and all things around it. As I noticed, I could see myself in this poem. Here it is:

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.  

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. 

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. 

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. 

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. 

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. 

But do not distress yourself with imaginings. 

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. 

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. 

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. 

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. 

Be cheerful. 

Strive to be happy.

As I read this poem, I realized how the world is full of the unseen and forbidden. I have seen how I've suffered so much that I just could not take it anymore. All those times that people are discriminating and harassing me, it just keeps getting back. Even all the haunted memories of the past that I want to forget, it really gets back to me and I'm totally sick of it. I mean, do they honestly expect me to believe me that I'm just a nobody? I really hate that! That's the reason why I hate the world and everything in it. Even to the wretched people that I totally disgust! Right now, I don't want to talk about what happened the other day. Everything was happening so fast and sudden that I could not express myself right now. Everything is really unexplained in this world.

Everything is really gone. I can't imagine if I see myself being hurt so many times and just repeating the same mistakes over and over again. If I keep on doing what I did before ad never let go of it, I can never be a real person. It's hard for me to admit that I'm still immature even if I'm so close to adulthood. I feel that I'm not ready to be an adult. I feel that I could never grow up because of that. I have nothing left to lose. My dignity is all that I have right now. Everything was taken away from me and I may never ever get them back to me. I'm completely lost.


Please, Alice. Tell me what to do. I really don't know what to do at this point and you're the only thing that I have right now.

Nathaniel

New Year, New Attitude (No More Mister Nice Guy)

Alice,

It's been a while. I missed you so much that everyday hurts just remembering your lovely face. But I'm here, in the city of dreams once again. To revisit my journey while I'm in college.

It's 2013. Yes. Another wonderful year has passed and a new one waiting to be kept in our enchanting hearts as we embrace it wholeheartedly. I'm so happy that another year has come to each and everyone on this planet and we get to live another day with hope that our lives will be better for the future.

YEAH RIGHT.

I can't believe that time flies so fast. Each day that the sun would rise, I would stay positive for the duration of the day. However, at the end of the day, another burden strikes to my "almost" perfectly good day because someone or something ruins it for me. I would ask myself, "What did I do to make her/him feel that way? Was it something that I said/did? Why do people stay away from me? I did nothing to them..." These questions still haunt me until today. And everytime I'm close to finding out these answers, people who hate me will do anything just to prevent me to see the truth. I can't imagine that your friends would be your lethal enemies once you broke their trust. It's really hard to fix that "broken" trust of theirs.

What bothers me the most is their "diva" attitude. When they insult a person, they would feel that they're on top of the world like nothing can touch them anymore. Reality Check, they are still persons. Persons who don't give themselves self-actualization and self-esteem just because they have insecurities. I don't know if this is true anymore but I still believe that they are still insecure because they don't want their identities and reputations to be destroyed by a single snap. So many people hate me because I speak like I'm a child, never understanding what's happening to the world and always thinking about himself that he is always right. Everyone is right at most cases. I just don't get why people hate me so much. Is it because I'm too smart for them too handle? Or is it because I can outsmart them?

2013. New Year, New Attitude. That's right, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and bask in the limelight. I have to show them that I am a person with promise and with great power. I have to let them feel what I have felt when they left me with nothing. This time, I will not feel their sympathy because feeling them could be my weakness and my breaking point. And this time, they will witness the new ME; A strong young adult who cares nothing about the people around him and trashtalks them like there's no tomorrow. No more Mister Nice Guy. It's time for me to show them all how they picked up on the wrong guy.

As they say, "Forgiveness is a Virtue, but Revenge is Sweeter".

How about you Alice? Do you thirst for Revenge?

Nathaniel