Alice,
I'm alright. Until I'm alone. And apparently, that's the only thing that keeps me alive up to this moment. LONELINESS.
I never knew that life in that prestigious university would be like hell for me. It's as if I went back to the things that I made myself a fool. I could really say that life here in college is just like my excruciating inferno that keeps on haunting my mind every time. Even if I had done this so many times, it keeps me back from being a person that most of my friends wanted me to be. I just wish that for once, I want to be the person who I want to be. I also wish that people were so not judgmental about how other people look, act, or even communicate with others. IT'S JUST SO NOT DAMN GOOD TO LOOK AT.
I have heard myself crying endlessly, and as I hear myself, I'm hopeless. I can't be perfect and I can't see through what others want from me. I'm not sure if they don't even WANT ME around. Its as if I'm a freakin' ghost to them. I'm invisible to their naked eyes even if I'm around. People think that I'm the type of person who is alone and doesn't have friends. Yes, this is true because people see what's wrong about my personality and my human self. I'm trying hard to be at my best self but everytime I'm doing my best, people keep holding me back and saying that I'm just wasting my time trying to be perfect. They may drag me down and strip down my identity but I'm telling them this, I'M STILL A PERSON WHO'S TRYING TO FIND A PLACE IN THIS WORLD.
It's been raining hard here ever since last week. And as I stare out the window, seeing how the rain pour hard, I see myself being out there, enjoying the rain while many of my citizens are dying because of the non-stop rain. I imagined myself in their condition. What if I was in their spot right now? Would people help me after I've shown to them my ugly and horrid behavior? Would they even care for me? That's what I thought. I'm just an ordinary man. However, many people are still fighting and struggling just to survive. They are strong people because they are ready in any situation like this. Helping each other out and reaching out to them. Risking their lives just to save innocent people. AM I STRONG? OR JUST A COWARD?
This is the only reason why I'm still living here. Through the pain that I endure everyday, its the only thing that keeps me as I am. Now that you're gone, who else am I going to talk to? I'm lost. I don't know if I can continue to survive without you as the only one who listens to me and feels my pain everytime I'm lonely. But in a way or two, I'm glad. The pain and suffering that I endured was the only reminder that this world and my life was real. I'll find a way to make them feel what I've felt. To let them know how its not easy to be myself. I'll make sure that they will suffer the way I've suffered. I will have my REVENGE.
I'm still me, no matter what they say. Maybe its time to leave them behind and be on my own for the next few weeks or so. As a matter of fact, I really don't need them to be successful in life. I have to be independent and never be affected about how they see about me. I maybe be defensive sometimes but it doesn't mean that what they think about me is true. I will always believe that I'm ALWAYS RIGHT and they're ALWAYS WRONG. I will never be like them because I'm unique in my own way. I'M BEAUTIFUL.
Are you Alice?
Nathaniel
