As My Teardrops Fall With The Rain

Alice,

I'm alright. Until I'm alone. And apparently, that's the only thing that keeps me alive up to this moment. LONELINESS.

I never knew that life in that prestigious university would be like hell for me. It's as if I went back to the things that I made myself a fool. I could really say that life here in college is just like my excruciating inferno that keeps on haunting my mind every time. Even if I had done this so many times, it keeps me back from being a person that most of my friends wanted me to be. I just wish that for once, I want to be the person who I want to be. I also wish that people were so not judgmental about how other people look, act, or even communicate with others. IT'S JUST SO NOT DAMN GOOD TO LOOK AT.

I have heard myself crying endlessly, and as I hear myself, I'm hopeless. I can't be perfect and I can't see through what others want from me. I'm not sure if they don't even WANT ME around. Its as if I'm a freakin' ghost to them. I'm invisible to their naked eyes even if I'm around. People think that I'm the type of person who is alone and doesn't have friends. Yes, this is true because people see what's wrong about my personality and my human self. I'm trying hard to be at my best self but everytime I'm doing my best, people keep holding me back and saying that I'm just wasting my time trying to be perfect. They may drag me down and strip down my identity but I'm telling them this, I'M STILL A PERSON WHO'S TRYING TO FIND A PLACE IN THIS WORLD.

It's been raining hard here ever since last week. And as I stare out the window, seeing how the rain pour hard, I see myself being out there, enjoying the rain while many of my citizens are dying because of the non-stop rain. I imagined myself in their condition. What if I was in their spot right now? Would people help me after I've shown to them my ugly and horrid behavior? Would they even care for me? That's what I thought. I'm just an ordinary man. However, many people are still fighting and struggling just to survive. They are strong people because they are ready in any situation like this. Helping each other out and reaching out to them. Risking their lives just to save innocent people. AM I STRONG? OR JUST A COWARD?

This is the only reason why I'm still living here. Through the pain that I endure everyday, its the only thing that keeps me as I am. Now that you're gone, who else am I going to talk to? I'm lost. I don't know if I can continue to survive without you as the only one who listens to me and feels my pain everytime I'm lonely. But in a way or two, I'm glad. The pain and suffering that I endured was the only reminder that this world and my life was real. I'll find a way to make them feel what I've felt. To let them know how its not easy to be myself. I'll make sure that they will suffer the way I've suffered. I will have my REVENGE.

I'm still me, no matter what they say. Maybe its time to leave them behind and be on my own for the next few weeks or so. As a matter of fact, I really don't need them to be successful in life. I have to be independent and never be affected about how they see about me. I maybe be defensive sometimes but it doesn't mean that what they think about me is true. I will always believe that I'm ALWAYS RIGHT and they're ALWAYS WRONG. I will never be like them because I'm unique in my own way. I'M BEAUTIFUL.

Are you Alice?

Nathaniel

Bullied. Cause: INSECURITY.

Alice,

Even if I had started my new life, its like I went back to high school all over again.

JULY 13, 2012. Friday the 13th. This was the day that the fever started to kick in.

I didn't have a clue of what this day may bring to me. Whether it's luck or not, I just want the day to be over. However, it seems that this day still left a scar to my heart that I wish that I could go back in time and do it all over again.

POSITIVE ATTITUDE was the goal for this day. I wanted to feel like I'm welcome to their eyes. As if that they could feel that I'm not the only one who is new to the college world. Truly, I met new and honorable people, all coming from the different walks of life. And unto this day, I still feel that they're my friends, even if I'm not yet close to them. In my perspective, I always see them as the people to be recognized because not only that they are ordinary people, but they are considered as the "intelligent ones". I see this to them because they are mature and civilized people. I had the chance of knowing them better by telling their stories of when they were in high school and those stories made me feel that I'm actually one of them. Sadly, the good memories did not last that long because for every misunderstanding that we had, tensions rise and conflicts can be very difficult to resolve our relationship as friends.

Do you get the feeling when someone destroys your reputation without them knowing you fully? I've been there and I always have done that. You see, I didn't know that my friends would be my worst enemies. After them making fun of me, I got back at them. And to think that I started the fight? NO NO NO!!! I was checking my Facebook account when suddenly, I read a post of my friend making fun of me and everyone liked it! I was so furious that the only way to get even with them is to do the same thing. After a few seconds, everyone reacted to my post saying that what I have done to them to make me react this way. EXCUSE ME SIR!!! But you're the only one who started the fight. I didn't do anything to you and now you complained that I'm destroying your reputation??? Its YOU who is the one that destroyed my reputation!!! Basically, they were the ones who started the fight and I was just defending myself for what I've done. After that, I was their greatest enemy that they have encountered with.

I WAS BULLIED. Sad but true. I didn't know that they would feel like that towards me. They were bullying me like there's no tomorrow. I couldn't imagine that until now, I could be bullied. When I was young, I was already bullied by many other children. And now that I'm in college, I am still bullied. People are so judgmental these days. I really learnt my lesson, TO NEVER TRUST NO ONE and TO CHOOSE MY FRIENDS WISELY and CAREFULLY. I think that people behave this way is because they are TOO INSECURE. That being by themselves is not good enough for them. By bullying others, they gain confidence and personality just to be recognized. But is their recognition to their friends in a GOOD way or in a BAD way? I really don't get why these people are so INSECURE. I really just don't get it!

As they say, "Insecurity reigns in an UGLY HEART of an EMPTY BRAIN". Yes, I really feel this way to those people who are still insecure. I really don't know what is the psychological reason why people behave this way. Is it for them to be famous or to be hated? It really irritates me whenever I see someone being bullied. This is the reason why the youth of today are extremely depressed or thinking of suicidal thoughts. The only thing that I want from those people who are insecure and those who hate me is RESPECT. Through respecting people, we would be able to understand what they are going through at the moment. This is the only thing that I want with this horrid and disgusting world.

If you feel this way Alice, I'll be there to rescue you.

P.S. I always felt like this over and over again.

Nathaniel

An Epic Misunderstanding (Marilyn Monroe)

Alice,

Do you get that feeling when hope is lost, then you turn to somebody who just get back at you?

This happened to me so many times, and I wish I didn't want to look back at that incident.

COLLEGE. Where all dreams starts here. It's hard to just move on from high school to college, thinking that everything is easy. When I started my new life, I thought that I'm just going to mess up big-time because of my psychological figure. It seemed that it was high school again. I can't talk to someone, I can't even look at them and the worst part, and they didn't care for me of what I was going through. My heart was shattered and I felt like I could never fix my mending heart again. Maybe that's just how it goes here in the city. I burst into tears deep on the inside. Even if I have my friends, I feel that they want to avoid me or just to use me for their own sake. I was such a weakling. I didn't know what to do, where to begin, and who to trust. This was only my beginning for my quest of finding who I really am.

The first time I stepped into the grounds of the university, I was full of happiness and full of hope. Hope in the sense that going into college would be a great time to redeem myself and to prepare me for the many obstacles that I will encounter during my stay. It was also the day that things turn out for the worst. Why? I met people that are intimidating. Intimidating in the sense that they would like to find out your life and everything that you have done up to the present. Seeing that their being curious about me makes me feel that they want to know me more just to destroy me. I wanted to keep my life a secret so that I can fit in better. Turns out, even I can't keep my identity a secret. After that realization, I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to end my life because all my efforts went to waste. I was USELESS.

Problems just came into me, and until now I can't solve these problems because I am too negative for all the things that happened to me. I'm still on the process of realizing my worth, but every time that someone drags me down, I easily give up and get emotional. They may say that I'm gay because I'm a weakling and I can't stand up for myself. I'm just a sensitive guy who's finding a way to know what his life really is. I try to stay positive at times, but the negative signs of life just appear to me and I just go with it. I've spent so many years of being a negative and a bitter person. However, with my inspiration from my true friends, I completely changed my life. Thanks to them, I was able to regain my strength to be become stronger and stand up for myself. I don't know how that happened, but even if I'm still negative, I try to keep my worries for myself because if I keep being a bitter person, my life can't go anywhere and I can't do anything with my life.

Maybe I didn't think this through. I thought that my life didn't have a meaning at all. I've tried all my life to search my true calling. I guess that I didn't waste my time at all. Every moment in my life is so precious that I don't have time to sit around and do nothing just because a problem comes to you. No matter what happens, whether life’s hard or not, always stay positive, because whatever we do, it's for our own good. It is only us who can create our lifetime story and share it with others. Even if others drag you down, you will always think that they are jealous of what you have accomplished. But don't be too proud of yourself, because if you get too proud, people would think that you're crazy. I'm so lucky enough that I've come this far. Thanks to the people behind the scenes, I now happy of who I am even if people are judgmental about you.

What happened in your college life, Alice?

P.S. Is this how Marilyn Monroe felt?

Nathaniel

The Collegiate Days

Alice,

It's now officially the start of the new chapter in my life.

Another school year opens. However, this isn't just any other ordinary class openings. This one was the toughest one that I had to face. This was the start of my new life. New university, new friends, new classmates, and everything that's new. I'm having an odd mixture of feelings inside me. I don't know that I'm going to be excited for the very first day or to be nervous. They say that it's normal for any new student, but for me, it's not. This was the setback that I was not really expecting. I keep on whining to myself on how am I going to live my new life when I'm not yet ready to face it. This loathing and excruciating experience was the one that pushed me through to do everything that I can in order to survive. Sadly, this feeling that I had was the start of the more suffering and pain that I have to go through.

The yesteryears. Oh, how they take me back to all the momentous things that we have done in high school. It marked in my life so much that I couldn't forget them every single day that I'm away from home for so long. I keep on moaning and weeping everyday because I miss all the memories that we had so much. I really wish that you were here at my side to guide me in everything that I do like we used to back then. Back then in high school, I always swore to myself that I'm going to do whatever it takes just to achieve in life. However, success always brought me down to the many things in life. I can't see the beauty of life if I always focus to road of success. I need to at least unwind a little bit and enjoy my teenage years as much as I can. Were almost close to being matured adults and still I can't one because of pressure in my life. This was the key in order to face my life wholeheartedly and without any regrets. This was the key that I had to break in order to be a matured, young adult.

Now that college is here, I have to put high school aside and face a new life. It hurts to forget all the memories that we had shared but I had to do it because college is complete and exact opposite of high school and no offense, but I think that it might be stupid to mention high school in college. So, I'm gonna have a low profile in college. I don't want to make a big impression in college for people to notice because they might think that I'm crazy. If high school was fun and games, here in college, you have to work and work and work until you get everything in shape. If high school was more on teamwork, in college, you have to do things on your own and no one even cares. If high school was full of fun and cherished moments, in college, everyday is not momentous as it used to before. I tell you, college is really the opposite of high school, but whatever I'm thinking right now, I know that I will never forget high school and all its memories.

Survival in college is inevitable. You really have to do whatever it takes just to survive college. When helping each other out was dominant in high school, in college, you'll just have to do everything yourself because it's time that you need to be independent and to show that you don't need anyone else in college. Some may need your help eventually, but you will never tolerate them because if you did, they might just take you for granted, and that's just so wrong on so many levels. But, one thing's for sure in college, you will learn to TRUST NO ONE and DO EVERYTHING ON YOUR OWN. So it's time to welcome college in our lives openly or painfully.

Good luck to the both of us in college, Alice.

P.S. It feels like FIFTEEN again...

Nathaniel

The Ultimate Setback

Alice,

This was the time that everything turned out for the worst.

It started when I entered the campus.

The university was so beautiful. I can only imagine what life I'm going to live if I officially entered the campus for the start of the formal classes. I was overjoyed by the people, I mean students, passing by, making their ways for their classes, and some, nothing to do but wait until something happens to them. It was really a blast seeing the university with my own naked eyes and looking forward to meeting these students personally and making new friends. I was thrilled to see the university's own cheering squad practice and showing their moves to the new people and especially to me. Indeed, entering the university for the first time made me realize that I'm here for two purposes, to study so hard that I've never study before and to graduate proudly with an honorable degree that I really deserve. However, this was only the beginning for the new chapter of my life. I realized also that it's not easy being here in the city and living like this. I may have to re-think the whole thing of why I'm really here.

Some of you and our ex-classmates are going to college and live in dormitories and boarding houses. Others may also live with their relatives and maybe bringing their families together to college. That's where I belong. I'm staying here in the city with my relatives. One from the side of my mother and other for my father. The only problem is that they're letting me choose on where to live. I like to live on both of the houses that my relatives are living at. My sister told me that it's better to stay at the house of the sister of my father because for her, it’s really quiet there where you can study and no one can distract you. However, if I live there, it’s like I'm in a prison where there's no fun and all you have to do is to study and study until you can't take anymore the quietness of the place that you want to get out and hang out with your friends. Not to mention the distance from this house to university, which makes it harder for me to comprehend everyday.

On my side, I would rather choose to live at the house of the sister of my mother because there, it’s like the complete opposite of what I've described earlier. There, it so much fun because everyday, there's no day that will be dull because of my younger relative to lighten up everyone's day. Also, the university is just a jeepney ride away, which makes it more convenient that the school is really near. Sadly, I can't concentrate on my studies because of the noise and all the distractions which make it more difficult to study and to do my homework and everything that's school-based work. I can still hang out with my friends but they set a time limit on how long I'm going to be out unlike the other house, you inform them and they just approve automatically without setting any condition. As long you get home, its fine with them.

I really had a hard time deciding on where to live. Whether I'm living with my aunt on my mother's side or on my father's side, I'm still going to live like this, transferring from one place to another just for the sake of living to different lives. One that's quiet and serene and another that's lively and uncontrollable. But whatever my decision is going to be, my family still has to respect my decision. What's important is that I've experienced myself living two separate lives and making my choice on where to stay for the rest of my life. I'm a growing adult, and someday, they're going to let me go, no matter how hard it is for them to let me go and live my own life without them. Whatever decisions that I make, I know that it's for my own good and also for the good of my own family.

How is your college life going, Alice?

Nathaniel

Runaway

Alice,

I was 99% sure that I wanted to do this before.

It's been a month since I left my hometown and I'm not doing great here as usual. I thought that I'm gonna have a blast while I still have the whole summer in my hands to enjoy it. But as the days turn to weeks, I feel that I've never been away from home for so long. I miss all the things that we used to do together even before we graduated. Now I know how it really feels when you're in college. You thought that you'd be finally free from your parents but every single day you've spent in college, you suddenly have a feeling that you miss everything from the past. You feel homesick. Like you want to go home so badly but you can't because of college matters. Without you, Alice, I'm really NOTHING.

Last summer, when we were about to enter the last year of our high school lives, I was so excited. Now that we were seniors, we were so anxious for college. We thought that we can't wait to get out of our school and to graduate in style. We were really thrilled for college before. Now, it's the complete opposite of what we have thought before. College is full of misery and suffering. They said that college is better than high school, but actually, it's not. We were really sure that when we got to college, it's gonna fun, crazy, and to live young, wild, and free. But we were 101% wrong at all those things. Little did we know what dangers lie ahead in college. I'm trying to stay positive for college but actually, I'm not. I wanted to go back in time and to do our high school years all over again. I was wrong.

The only reason that I wanted to go to college is to run as far away as possible from my parents and to prove to them how much I'm willing to risk my life for college. Really, I was sick of them dictating me what to do just for my own good and for my safety. They really didn't realize that they had to let me go to college even if it really hurts for them to see me go away from and let them live my own way of life. I wanted to leave my parents so badly because I can't take it anymore that they're always watching me behind my back and that they're holding me back to do whatever I want in my life. Yeah, I wanted to go away from my parents so bad. However, the joy of leaving my parents behind was the sadness that I felt of missing them so much. I miss them so much and I can't celebrate Mother's Day without my mother around.

Maybe I didn't think this through, huh? Well, I figured that too. Maybe I was so negative to my parents on the way they treat me and how they raised me properly. I may have the "bad attitude" that my parents knew about me all along. But whatever plans they have for me in the years to come, I will always love them for they are my parents and they are the best parents in the world. For that, I should try to be a more sensitive person and be an appreciative son for the things that my parents sacrificed a lot just for me. No matter what happens, I will always be grateful to my parents for without them, I can't be who I am today. Thanks, for everything...

Has this ever happened to you, Alice?

Nathaniel

A Misunderstood Life

Alice,

I can't be imagining the WHOLE THING.

I was 100% sure that I was dreaming.

A Lifetime Curse. It kills me to hear myself right now. One thing's for sure, I was so positive of what I heard about my fault. It's not that I've been dishonest, it's just that loathe reality. After what I've spoken about myself about my future, it seems like I can't do it. I feel like I can't survive college easily. Sometimes, I gotta learn to survive college the old fashion way. Keep striving hard, let nothing come between you and success, and most importantly, to realize how your parents sacrificed a lot just to keep you in college. Sadly, it seems like I lost it. I easily give up and I don't know what to do after. I must be the stupidest person in this world right now and I'm not satisfied of what I've done.

Life. A simple yet complicated word. My life right now is still unstable. I'm trying to be independent as I live my life in college. But it seems that I still can't because I'm still living under the roof of my parents and they're watching my every move. I can't be free, I can't do anything what I want, and the worst of all, I'm not worth it. They tell me that I'm useless, like nothing or no one can help me. I feel hopeless, like I can't stand on myself alone. The problem is that they don't see me trying to live my life and to be independent to the people around me. Maybe that's just the way life it should be. No moment is a happy moment if you're living like this.

My life is really a topsy-turvy one. Like everything is upside down. All this time, I've been blind to the reality of life. My parents keep on avoiding me to let go on my own. They feel that I keep making a vital mistake which could cost my life. But what they don't see is that I'm living my life as it is right now. Maybe the reason why they are so overprotective is that they don't want to lose me as I go to the next chapter of my life or the fact that they're not ready to say goodbye to me as I move on to college. But that's life, sometimes, you gotta let things go, especially the things that you don't want to lose easily.

Am I satisfied with this? No, I'm not. My goals in life are to graduate with flying colors in college, find a decent and stable job, and to support my family from extreme poverty. I don't want to be the selfish one but when I have a job, the first thing I wanna do when I earn money is to buy things that I've always wanted in my life and it's a fact. I don't care if they would curse me for being selfish but I'm sorry, I gotta stick to my goals and make them happen for my own good. Sure, I would send my financial assistance to my family and that has been my lifetime goal. To make my parents feel that they're proud of me for what I have accomplished and to be more proud of me when I'll get a job that's worth sacrificing for. That's what my goals are and I to work and strive even harder to make these goals a reality.

You may say that I'm rude to all of this. Actually, I'm just a normal person trying to achieve his goals in life. I'm just trying would any person would do in life. To do it all over again in the same way. I'm always staying positive in whatever I do, for whatever choice I make, and for all my decisions in life. But it's inevitable that you can't always be happy for everything. Sometimes, frustrations in your life can get into you and make them a lesson to be a better person in the future. But whatever our reasons are, we know that these reasons are for our own good and for others' sake. I'm still happy for what we have accomplished together and let's hope that we could survive and graduate college in style.

Would you do the same thing, Alice?

Nathaniel

Rude Awakening

Alice,

Each passing day, each passing time. I feel like I'm slowly killing myself until there's nothing left for me to have. For the first time in my life, I really don't know what to do, who to trust, and what I will do for the rest of my survival in college. I want to live young, wild, and free while I still have a chance. Sadly, my family is the only thing that separates me from my true freedom. It hurts for me to see how people live their lives and risk anything just to get what they want, while I'm stuck here not able to see the beauty of my life that I'm missing out all the excitement waiting for me to see and to enjoy. There's two words to describe my feeling right now. I SURRENDER.

The Awakening. I was blind to see how beautiful my life is. I didn't how much I could do with my life while I'm still young, and all this was my family's fault. I can't imagine how they would do this to me, Alice. Everyday, I would start my day risking my life just to find what really enjoys me, and everyday, they would do anything just to stop even for the risks that I take. It really hurts to realize that someone you loved or a long time would be the greatest enemy that you would face in your life. I feel like I want to get out of this "horrid prison" and start all over again. I wanted to be free and to be alone for once.

Everything that I owned in my hands were the things that stood me over the years as I grow up. If one of these things were gone, I feel like I have nothing left to lose in my life anymore. I can't even bear my suffering if I, myself, didn't suffer greatly. I wanted to give up. I wanted to surrender. I wanted to kill myself. But I can't. Life goes on, you suffered a lot, and people can't even see the value of what you're doing. The only thing that I could hope is for things to be the way that they used to be.

Things are different. Seeing myself in the eyes of everyone else makes it really hard for me to confront my problems. I just want to live a simple life. Settle down a little, rest and relax, unwind from all the frustrations you had, and make it a point to make these frustrations a lifetime lesson that you will never forget. Sometimes, I wish that I didn't exist in this world. If that happened, imagine what life would my parents live, imagine what life would I live if I was born in another family. But, whatever I choose in my life, I know that it is for my own good.

Nothing else can compare to my great suffering. I've wasted so much time whining to myself that I didn't see how my family loves me a lot. I was blind to see their love for me because I see their advises for me as a threat to my personality. I love them no matter what happens in my life. Whatever they would do to me, it's because they trying to protect me from the evil doings of this world. If they would risk their lives just to protect me, I would do the same thing for them, no matter how difficult it is to save them. I would never forgive myself if anything happens to them. I was a pushover before, but now, I have this feeling of giving something back to them that I should have given to them long before I was an idiot. I need to repay my wrongdoings and try to be a better person that they have hoped for all along.

If you were me, Alice, what would you do?

Nathaniel

The Confession

Alice, 

It's been a month since graduation. Things are different. Without you to guide me, it's like I'm slowly killing myself without the thought of having the ones I love. I'm sure that you're having a wonderful time there with all our ex-classmates. Me? I'm having a hard time adapting to my new environment especially that I'm settling in a city full of mischief and misery. You know what? I miss you so much that it kills me to see you having a good time while I'm taking all the suffering that my family brought up about me. I don't want our relationship as best friends to fade by time because without you in my life, it's like I don't exist in this horrid world. Aside from that, if we haven't met in the first place and changed my life, I can't be the person I want to be right now. 

How's life? I'm sure that you're fine. Surrounded by what's left of our batch and meeting new friends along the way to college. It's really fun there to see you being happy for once, while I'm stuck here chasing my dreams and suddenly for no reason, these dreams were shattered to billions of pieces and now I'm trying to find those pieces as I continue to struggle to our new chapter in our lives, college. Right now, I feel so happy for you that we, together, survived the gruelling days of High School and now we face the difficult part of our lives. We’re so proud of each other’s accomplishments. 

I have a confession to make. It's better for us not be just best friends. I feel like I'm in those Friend-zone episodes that I need to get out of it and make it as a real relationship. Deep inside, I feel for you, but sadly you don't even see that I like you and you treat our relationship as best friends and nothing else beyond that. I wish that you would see the true me. I wish that we would still be in a relationship right now. 

I miss the memories we share together. They remind me to never give up in times of difficult decisions and challenges and those memories shape of what am I now today. No matter what happens, we still have each other as best friends and I hope that we would still be. Until here, Alice. It's been fun knowing you and having me as your best friend. 

GOODBYE...

For now... 

Nathaniel