Never Understanding The World

Alice,

Everything is Different. Everything is Never the Same. Everything is Eminent. Everything is Tolerable. Everything is EVERYTHING.

Do you ever get the feeling that no single person in this wretched world would ever understand you? Do you get the feeling that your friends would be your enemies and it's just yourself against the world? Do you have the feeling that  you could burst into bloody tears just to show that you're giving up on life? And do you get the feeling that you want to end your life right away just to cease your prolonged suffering?

I'm still a CHILD.

It maybe hard for me but it's the truth. I don't think I can be a mature person because I really don't understand the world I'm living in. Yes, it's reality but in a deeper sense, I feel that I'm still imagining myself that I could live in a world wherein people could understand me for who I am and what I'm going through right now. Sadly, it's a fantasy that's really impossible to be a reality. And I feel that I behave like a child because aside that I could not understand the world, I can't accept reality as it is. I always wanted to live my life like a fairytale. However, with reality, I've never opened my eyes to what is real and what is not. People always see what kind of person I am, but only I and I alone know what is going on with my life and with my lifetime story. I don't wanna end up losing my soul because of that. I just want to be treated fair, but it's never gonna happen.

Right now, I live in a world where there is full of hatred and misery. Furthermore, I live in a world of lies and favoritism. If I could just set fire to the world, I could do that. If I could just wipe out the existence of humanity, I could also do that. But, I'm only good at saying something just to "seemingly" defend myself. I could never do what I say because I keep thinking that they are people, but everytime I talk to them, I always get humiliated and oppressed. I made a wrong turn in my life. I knew I wanted to be alone. But, I don't want to be the kind of person who thinks that the world is his enemy. I really don't know what to do. For the tenth time in my life, I really don't know what to do.

I have a read a poem that speaks about the world and all things around it. As I noticed, I could see myself in this poem. Here it is:

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.  

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. 

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. 

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. 

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. 

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. 

But do not distress yourself with imaginings. 

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. 

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. 

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. 

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. 

Be cheerful. 

Strive to be happy.

As I read this poem, I realized how the world is full of the unseen and forbidden. I have seen how I've suffered so much that I just could not take it anymore. All those times that people are discriminating and harassing me, it just keeps getting back. Even all the haunted memories of the past that I want to forget, it really gets back to me and I'm totally sick of it. I mean, do they honestly expect me to believe me that I'm just a nobody? I really hate that! That's the reason why I hate the world and everything in it. Even to the wretched people that I totally disgust! Right now, I don't want to talk about what happened the other day. Everything was happening so fast and sudden that I could not express myself right now. Everything is really unexplained in this world.

Everything is really gone. I can't imagine if I see myself being hurt so many times and just repeating the same mistakes over and over again. If I keep on doing what I did before ad never let go of it, I can never be a real person. It's hard for me to admit that I'm still immature even if I'm so close to adulthood. I feel that I'm not ready to be an adult. I feel that I could never grow up because of that. I have nothing left to lose. My dignity is all that I have right now. Everything was taken away from me and I may never ever get them back to me. I'm completely lost.


Please, Alice. Tell me what to do. I really don't know what to do at this point and you're the only thing that I have right now.

Nathaniel

As My Teardrops Fall With The Rain

Alice,

I'm alright. Until I'm alone. And apparently, that's the only thing that keeps me alive up to this moment. LONELINESS.

I never knew that life in that prestigious university would be like hell for me. It's as if I went back to the things that I made myself a fool. I could really say that life here in college is just like my excruciating inferno that keeps on haunting my mind every time. Even if I had done this so many times, it keeps me back from being a person that most of my friends wanted me to be. I just wish that for once, I want to be the person who I want to be. I also wish that people were so not judgmental about how other people look, act, or even communicate with others. IT'S JUST SO NOT DAMN GOOD TO LOOK AT.

I have heard myself crying endlessly, and as I hear myself, I'm hopeless. I can't be perfect and I can't see through what others want from me. I'm not sure if they don't even WANT ME around. Its as if I'm a freakin' ghost to them. I'm invisible to their naked eyes even if I'm around. People think that I'm the type of person who is alone and doesn't have friends. Yes, this is true because people see what's wrong about my personality and my human self. I'm trying hard to be at my best self but everytime I'm doing my best, people keep holding me back and saying that I'm just wasting my time trying to be perfect. They may drag me down and strip down my identity but I'm telling them this, I'M STILL A PERSON WHO'S TRYING TO FIND A PLACE IN THIS WORLD.

It's been raining hard here ever since last week. And as I stare out the window, seeing how the rain pour hard, I see myself being out there, enjoying the rain while many of my citizens are dying because of the non-stop rain. I imagined myself in their condition. What if I was in their spot right now? Would people help me after I've shown to them my ugly and horrid behavior? Would they even care for me? That's what I thought. I'm just an ordinary man. However, many people are still fighting and struggling just to survive. They are strong people because they are ready in any situation like this. Helping each other out and reaching out to them. Risking their lives just to save innocent people. AM I STRONG? OR JUST A COWARD?

This is the only reason why I'm still living here. Through the pain that I endure everyday, its the only thing that keeps me as I am. Now that you're gone, who else am I going to talk to? I'm lost. I don't know if I can continue to survive without you as the only one who listens to me and feels my pain everytime I'm lonely. But in a way or two, I'm glad. The pain and suffering that I endured was the only reminder that this world and my life was real. I'll find a way to make them feel what I've felt. To let them know how its not easy to be myself. I'll make sure that they will suffer the way I've suffered. I will have my REVENGE.

I'm still me, no matter what they say. Maybe its time to leave them behind and be on my own for the next few weeks or so. As a matter of fact, I really don't need them to be successful in life. I have to be independent and never be affected about how they see about me. I maybe be defensive sometimes but it doesn't mean that what they think about me is true. I will always believe that I'm ALWAYS RIGHT and they're ALWAYS WRONG. I will never be like them because I'm unique in my own way. I'M BEAUTIFUL.

Are you Alice?

Nathaniel