Alice,
Do you get that feeling when hope is lost, then you turn to
somebody who just get back at you?
This happened to me so many times, and I wish I didn't want
to look back at that incident.
COLLEGE. Where all dreams starts here. It's hard to just
move on from high school to college, thinking that everything is easy. When I
started my new life, I thought that I'm just going to mess up big-time because
of my psychological figure. It seemed that it was high school again. I can't
talk to someone, I can't even look at them and the worst part, and they didn't
care for me of what I was going through. My heart was shattered and I felt like
I could never fix my mending heart again. Maybe that's just how it goes here in
the city. I burst into tears deep on the inside. Even if I have my friends, I
feel that they want to avoid me or just to use me for their own sake. I was
such a weakling. I didn't know what to do, where to begin, and who to trust.
This was only my beginning for my quest of finding who I really am.
The first time I stepped into the grounds of the university,
I was full of happiness and full of hope. Hope in the sense that going into
college would be a great time to redeem myself and to prepare me for the many
obstacles that I will encounter during my stay. It was also the day that things
turn out for the worst. Why? I met people that are intimidating. Intimidating
in the sense that they would like to find out your life and everything that you
have done up to the present. Seeing that their being curious about me makes me
feel that they want to know me more just to destroy me. I wanted to keep my
life a secret so that I can fit in better. Turns out, even I can't keep my
identity a secret. After that realization, I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to
end my life because all my efforts went to waste. I was USELESS.
Problems just came into me, and until now I can't solve
these problems because I am too negative for all the things that happened to
me. I'm still on the process of realizing my worth, but every time that someone
drags me down, I easily give up and get emotional. They may say that I'm gay
because I'm a weakling and I can't stand up for myself. I'm just a sensitive
guy who's finding a way to know what his life really is. I try to stay positive
at times, but the negative signs of life just appear to me and I just go with
it. I've spent so many years of being a negative and a bitter person. However,
with my inspiration from my true friends, I completely changed my life. Thanks
to them, I was able to regain my strength to be become stronger and stand up
for myself. I don't know how that happened, but even if I'm still negative, I
try to keep my worries for myself because if I keep being a bitter person, my
life can't go anywhere and I can't do anything with my life.
Maybe I didn't think this through. I thought that my life
didn't have a meaning at all. I've tried all my life to search my true calling.
I guess that I didn't waste my time at all. Every moment in my life is so
precious that I don't have time to sit around and do nothing just because a
problem comes to you. No matter what happens, whether life’s hard or not,
always stay positive, because whatever we do, it's for our own good. It is only
us who can create our lifetime story and share it with others. Even if others
drag you down, you will always think that they are jealous of what you have
accomplished. But don't be too proud of yourself, because if you get too proud,
people would think that you're crazy. I'm so lucky enough that I've come this
far. Thanks to the people behind the scenes, I now happy of who I am even if
people are judgmental about you.
What happened in your college life, Alice?
P.S. Is this how Marilyn Monroe felt?
Nathaniel
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